I admit it: I am scared. Scared to write this piece. Scared of what the future holds. Scared that what God called me to let of won’t return to me. A few months ago, my relationship with my boyfriend of almost 2 years ended. I knew that it was the right thing to do, and that there were many ways in which we both needed to grow. For a while, that thought gave me peace. I have been through many other hardships completely unrelated to this, and God has brought me out of every one of them. Yet somehow I am more afraid than ever. This morning I woke up from one of the worst dreams I ever had about Matthew. I dreamt that he was moving away, and leaving me behind. I cried uncontrollably and started to try and make a way where I could see him one last time…but it was too late. When I woke up, my body was so tense and I actually had been holding my arms so tightly that there were fingerprints left behind. Yet as long as I hold onto him, fear is holding on to me.
I know that this area of my life is where I have trusted God the least, and He is simply asking that I surrender, and trust that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:13). I know that He is testing me, and it is not out of cruelty, but out of a desire to see me trust Him in all that I go through. If I am going to share with others about trusting in the Lord, then I need to have walked through a few battles myself. He has given me promise after promise in His Word, and I need not fear what God has in store for my life.
I am learning that there is no area of my life that God does not want to restore. I cannot live in wholeness if I say, “No God, not here” where there is an area of my life that needs healing and restoration. Needless to say, it is not a painless process, but it is a worthy one. God desires to see me thrive in everything, and that requires His hand on my life. He cannot bless what I do not give Him.
“For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Psalm 84:11
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs 4:23
“Delight yourself also in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4
Maybe He will bring Matthew back into my life. Maybe He won’t. I cannot say that I won’t be sad if he doesn’t, but I will forever be grateful that he was part of my life. God showed up in bigger ways than I would have ever imagined, both in and out of the relationship. I know that He will do it again. There is nothing that is wasted in the hands of God. So whatever you are holding on to, even if you are afraid, let it go.